Dealing with Emotionally Exhausting Employees: A Leadership Guide

As a leader, one of the most challenging situations you may face is managing emotionally exhausting employees - those who push back on everything, struggle to collaborate, and insist their way is the only right way.

A recent question posted by an account lead on Glassdoor highlights this dilemma:

How can leaders support such employees while knowing when to draw the line?

Understanding the Challenge

The leader in question described a high-performing employee who is emotionally draining for the team. This individual takes feedback personally, becomes defensive in meetings, and disrupts team dynamics. The leader wants to be supportive but is unsure when support becomes counterproductive.

Reassessing the "Best Employee" Label

The first point to consider is whether this employee is truly the "best." Often in sales and other performance-driven roles, individuals who meet KPIs are labeled as top performers, even if they lack collaboration and team spirit. Leaders may overlook toxic behavior to keep these performers happy, inadvertently harming team morale and culture. It's time to redefine what makes someone the 'best employee' and empower ourselves with a more holistic understanding.

Ask yourself: What defines a "best employee"? Is it just about numbers, or does it also encompass teamwork, attitude, and alignment with team values? If the latter, then this employee may not be the best after all. Reflect on the culture you want to foster and whether this individual supports or undermines it.

Feedback as a Personal Attack

The second issue is the employee’s tendency to perceive feedback as a personal attack. Leaders must examine their own emotional state when delivering feedback. Are you anxious, frustrated, or walking on eggshells? These emotions can trigger defensiveness in individuals who are already sensitive.

Understand that this behavior often stems from deeper issues, such as:

• Feeling unheard

• Feeling unsupported

• Feeling unsafe

Our brains are wired to interpret situations as safe or unsafe. If the employee perceives the environment as unsafe, even positive feedback can feel threatening.

Instead of focusing on delivering feedback, let's stay curious. Present facts and ask open-ended questions like, "What’s going on for you?" This approach fosters dialogue, opens our minds to different perspectives, and reduces defensiveness.

Defensiveness in Meetings

The third concern is defensiveness during meetings. This often reflects a lack of structure and psychological safety. Leaders should set clear expectations and roles at the start of meetings. For brainstorming sessions, emphasize that there are no bad ideas and encourage building on others’ suggestions. For alignment meetings, define who will speak, for how long, and how others should respond.

Creating a safe and structured environment helps reduce emotional hijacking and promotes constructive participation.

Knowing When to Draw the Line

Ultimately, the question is: How do you support an employee while knowing when to draw the line?
The answer lies in defining what that line is. What behaviors are acceptable? What values does your team uphold?

These boundaries should be co-created with the team. When everyone contributes to defining acceptable behavior, they are more likely to respect those boundaries. If you’re unsure where the line is, your team likely knows. It's our responsibility as leaders to define and uphold these boundaries, ensuring a healthy team dynamic.

Support should not come at the cost of team well-being. If you’re asking when to draw the line, you may have already crossed it. As a leader, your role is to create a culture that supports everyone, not just the high performers.

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